The Lego Movie

Everything about this film was pretty awesome.

The Lego Movie
2014, 100 minutes, directed by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller

Rise of the Zombies

I really thought this made-for-tv zombie film was going somewhere.  There were lots of scientists, making real progress learning about the disease, and maybe they'd even explore bringing the zombies back from the dead.  Maybe they were even aiming for some sort of God-motive for retribution and salvation.

But no, they just wanted to kill off all those scientists, and leave the few survivors in limbo as the story ends with limited solutions to the apocalypse.  This wasn't worth staying awake to see the end.

Rise of the Zombies
2012, 89 minutes, directed by Nick Lyon

I missed the start of the film.  Maybe it was awesome.  What I saw was Danny Trejo, on the cover the DVD, die less than a minute after I turned this on.  I guess they couldn't afford him after that.

Machete Kills

Robert Rodriguez has a vison.  It's called Machete Kills Again... In Space! and it's the pre-announced title for the third film in this gritty Mexican action series.  At the end of the first film, Machete (Danny Trejo, in a role he's made for) has joined the U.S. ICE with partner Sartana (Jessica Alba).  At the start of the third film, Machete is tracking down the evil silver-masked villain on a space station.  To get from A to B, they had to make a film, and Machete Kills is the result.

To say it's a bridge film is an understatement.  It's a plot conveyance.  Masked assassins kill Sartana and steal a U.S. nuclear weapon.  POTUS (Carlos Estevez, yes that one) commissions Machete as the only person able to drop into Mexico and get it back.  But when things go awry, Machete is left with a captive with a deathwish and 48 hours to get back to the United States.

The cameos are one of the strong spots, with a role specially made for Cuba Gooding Jr., Lady Gaga, and Antonio Banderas (yes, all of them).  And I swear one of the guards at Mendez the Mad's compound looked like Bruce Campbell.  But overall, it's a bridge to a contrived story, one that Robert Rodriguez would much rather tell.

Machete Kills
2013, 107 minutes, directed by Robert Rodriguez

"Machete Happens"

Impact

When this made-for-TV movie started a few nights ago, I had no idea Syfy would drag it out into a four-hour sap fest.  In this epic tale, an asteroid - a fragment of a brown dwarf star - has crashed into the moon, causing it to veer and swing towards Earth.  A team of scientists rush to find a solution before the moon impacts our planet, while meanwhile their families suffer the effects of the star's gravity and magnetism.

With a few adjustments and a different ending, I think I saw this in Melancholia a few years ago.  And I hated that film.  And this one was almost worse.

Impact
2008, 180 minutes, directed by Mike Rohl

La cinquième saison (The Fifth Season)

When I saw that Casa Kafka was a sponsor of this French-Belgian production, I knew it would be hopeless, depressing, senseless. In a small Belgian town, nature simply...stops. Chickens no longer lay eggs, cows stop producing milk, field lay fallow, trees die but won't burn. Young Alice and her friend Tom suffer and cope, with traveling beekeeper Pol and his son Octave as the only ones who maintain their senses against the seemingly global calamity. As food grows scarce and desperation grows, even they can't stop the tide of insanity.

There's seriously nothing cheerful about this film. Be warned.

La cinquième saison (The Fifth Season)
2012, 93 minutes, directed by Peter Brosens and Jessica Woodworth

V/H/S/2

Having acquired a heap of knowledge and a pile of leftover tapes from their first outing, this second installment of the V/H/S horror line feels more polished and... boring... than the first.  Sure, everything tied together better in a central theme: private detectives are asked to look for a college student who's been missing for a few days.  At his house, they find lots of static-y monitors and piles of VHS tapes.

This time, it all feels more predictable in its narration.  There's a story with ghosts, one with zombies, one with occult, and one with aliens.  It's all nice and tidy.  And that's what makes it boring.

V/H/S/2
2013, 95 minutes, directed by Simon Barrett, Adam Wingard, Eduardo Sanchez, Gregg Hale, Timo Tjahjanto, Gareth Huw Evans, and Jason Eisener

The Paramount was already running an hour late after their first film.  I stayed in line for Evil Dead for two hours, but when the film was supposed to have started and the previous screening was still letting out, I bailed for dinner and a sure spot at this midnight film.  Knowing now that some people made it (barely) to both thanks to V/H/S/2 also being inexplicably delayed, and knowing that I didn't care much for the midnight film, makes me angrier at the Paramount and SXSW for being unable to keep their schedules even remotely on time.

Doomsday Book

This film is actually a series of three shorts, created together as a single motion picture, all focused on (as you may guess) doomsday scenarios - from a Korean perspective.  The first - Brave New World - is a straight-up zombie scenario as told via patient zero.  For the second short - Heavenly Creature - the definition of "doomsday" is stretched to include singularity, as a UR International robot awakens as Buddha.  Finally the third film - Happy Birthday - takes a new look at asteroid apocalypse in the modern age.

I won't call the film epic or particularly enthralling, but if you like the Future States shorts or similar looks at future probability - and are willing to tolerate a little silliness on the side - then this film provides more footage for you.

Doomsday Book
2012, 115 minutes, directed by Jee-woon Kim and Pil-Sung Yim

ABCs of Death

In what I think is the first Drafthouse Films-funded venture, Tim League and Ant Timpson enlist 26 genre film directors to each produce a short, each based on death and a letter of the alphabet.  As is usual, I don't review shorts except when they are produced together to form a feature film.  I'm not going to attempt to review every story; it's sufficient to say some were funny, some were bizarre, and some were downright disgusting.  I can't recommend it for anyone with a stomach or conscious.

ABCs of Death
2012, 123 minutes, directed by Angela Bettis, Hélène Cattet, Ernesto Díaz Espinoza, Jason Eisener, Bruno Forzani, Adrián García Bogliano, Xavier Gens, Noboru Iguchi, Thomas Cappelen Malling, Jorge Michel Grau, Yoshihiro Nishimura, Banjong Pisanthanakun, Simon Rumley, Marcel Sarmiento, Jon Schnepp, Srdjan Spasojevic, Timo Tjahjanto, Andrew Traucki, Nacho Vigalondo, Jake West, Ti West, Ben Wheatley, Adam Wingard, Mikael Wulff, Yudai Yamaguchi, and Lee Hardcastle




The list of deaths below is for my own reference.  I don't recommend reading it, whether you plan to see the film or not.
Apocalypse
Bird
Cycle
Dogfight
Exhumed
Far
Gravity
Hydro-Electric Diffusion
Itchy
Jidai-Geki
Kapoo
Libido
Miscarriage
Nature
Orgasm
Parama Ribo (Pressure)
Quack
Rice
Speed
Toilet
Unsuspecting
Vagitist
XXL
Yeti
Zymosis

Showdown at Area 51

When the newer guy on Burn Notice crashes from the sky, chased by a big guy in a gas mask wielding nanobot shurikens, only some B-movie actor dude and Chiana from Farscape (strangely, as a human) can save the world.

This isn't a very good movie.  It's especially not very good late at night on Siffy when I should be asleep, with regular breaks so Jimmie Johnson can hawk Extenze.

Showdown at Area 51
2007, 96 minutes, directed by C. Roma

X-Men: First Class

Why?  The plot is disjointed and contrived.  I would have so much preferred more effort put into the third film of the original trilogy to make it not suck so much than spend any money on this at all.

Wait, is this supposed to be a reboot?  I can't tell.  That's a large part of the problem.  Set in the 1960s, this film shows events long before those of the trilogy, in a way compatible with (hello Hugh Jackman) the Wolverine origin film.  Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon) is a former Nazi scientist bent on world destruction to reform it for the mutant race.  Erik Lehnsherr totally agrees with all of that except Shaw happened to have killed his mother, so Erik teams up with Charles Xavier and his new mutant understudies to take on Shaw and the simultaneous American and Soviet navies.  If they'd made it clear this was a reboot, I might have taken it differently.

X-Men: First Class
2011, 132 minutes, directed by Matthew Vaughn

[REC]³ Génesis

 When you're whole premise - demonic zombie infestation film with shakey cam - becomes a cliché, what should you do?  For Paco Plaza, the answer is kick it out, literally in this case, and fortunately not that long into the film.  This leaves the third installment of the [REC] franchise (Quarantine per the U.S. remake) with a very different feel than the first two.  It, too, has lost the claustrophobic charm of its predecessors, set this time in the spacious buildings and grounds of a reception hall.  It's her wedding day, and nothing is going to keep the bride from her groom.  This isn't a demonic zombie film.  It's a love story.  With demonic zombies.

[REC]³ Génesis
2012, 80 minutes, directed by Paco Plaza


Scott, people don't ask questions during your Q&A for a reason.  First off, you ask 60% of the questions yourself.  Then when you cajole a question from the audience, you take the gist of it, come up with a different question of your own, and "restate" it to the director so he'll answer your version.  And you interrupted the director while he was talking to put words in his mouth!  Twice!

The Cabin in the Woods

Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon don't want anyone to talk about this film.  It's hard not too because it was fucking awesome.  You think you have it figured out?  Oh no you don't; check out this.

What happens when five young college students set off for a weekend alone in the woods?  Mayhem of course.  If you would ever watch a horror comedy, make sure you watch this one.

"This came from a place of love.  Joss and I just love horror movies." - director Drew Goddard at the world premiere Q&A on opening night of SXSW 2012.

The Cabin in the Woods
2012, 105 minutes, directed by Drew Goddard




"No, no, no.  It's not an angry raping tree.  It's an angry molesting tree." - Drew

Melancholia

Epic in its ambition, Melancholia presents a clinically-depressed view on the end of the world.  The director (via Skype introduction) sums it up best: "The whole film is on the edge of being kitsch and being unbearable, but please see it anyway."  I am genuinely impressed at the extraordinary lengths he went to not to tie up any of the emotional and inter-character loose ends.

Melancholia
2011, 136 minutes, directed by Lars von Trier

Invasion of Alien Bikini

I'd say this Korean independent film gets weird, but that implies that it didn't start weird.  Filmed with a total budget of $5000, this "comedy" features an alien who must reproduce tonight, and a vow of chastity by the man she's chosen.  Light-hearted torture ensues.  Seriously.  And then it gets really weird.  Quite a head scratcher, this one.

Invasion of Alien Bikini
2011, 75 minutes, directed by Yound-doo Oh

The Divide

I had to crash Sunday night and missed the world premiere of this apocalypse survival film.  Monday night, after catching the early showing of John Oliver's New York Stand-Up (Live), I was able to fit this in.

Some spoilers may follow.


Set almost entirely in the basement of a New York apartment building, the design, lighting, and mood of the locale was perfect for an apocalypse psychological survival film. (In the Q&A, the directed noted that he used the same set designer as Moon.) The cast, too, was very dedicated; the film was shot in sequence, and stars Milo Ventimiglia and Michael Eklund lose 20 lbs over the course of the filming to simulate the effects of radiation sickness. (Though note that Lauren German and Michael Biehn seem to be less effected by the radiation and barely show any effects until later in the film.)

The problems with the film are the gaps in the plot. Somewhat early on, the survivors are found by radiation-suit wearing "soldiers" with automatic rifles. They kidnap a girl, then attempt to wipe out the other survivors. A fight ensues, the survivors win, and they have a working radiation suit to explore with. What they find is puzzling and completely unexplained; after a single scene the entire sub-plot is never visited again.

Meanwhile, the characters are supposed to be shown falling to the "Lord of the Flies"-style mental effects of isolation along with the physical effects of radiation sickness. As I mentioned, they handle the physical imagery intermittently well. The mental seems to come in jumps and stutters, with some characters (Marilyn) degenerating from one scene to the next, while others (Sam) seem to bounce in and back.

Finally, I just don't get the choices made by the lead character (Eva) at the end. I think the "divide" is supposed to mean many things - the divide between those who made it into the basement (and survived) versus those just outside who died; the divide between those who suffer from radiation and those who don't; the divide between those who can keep it together under crisis and those who fall apart; and finally, the divide between those who can shed their humanity to survive and those who can't. I think Eva is supposed to be shown crossing the divide, but it really doesn't feel right for her character given her other options.

Overall, I don't rate movies, but if I did I'd give this one a B-.

The Divide
2011, 110 minutes, directed by Xavier Gens

I was surprised that the director gave the budget during the Q&A.  Usually they won't do that, and I hope he didn't get in trouble.  ($8-10mil)

Pandorum

This movie is pretty predictable but sufficiently fun.  They balance the action necessary to secure funding with some decently challenging cerebral sci fi, all set in the most famous of locales, the deep-space freighter.

Pandorum
2009, 108 minutes, directed by Christian Alvart

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Meh.  All I could think was "transition film".  The introduced Sienna Guillory as Jill, complete with kick-ass action and a custom outfit (presumably from the games), only to have her quickly take the back seat to a more-awesome more-ass-kicking Milla Jovovich as Alice.  I can only assume this was to ensure that, were Ms. Jovovish to bail on the series, the next sequel could retain some semblance of continuity.

Stay tuned; the next sequel is coming up in my Netflix queue.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse
2004, 98 minutes, directed by Alexander Witt

Resident Evil

Having no history with the game series, I don't mind any discontinuities or breaks from lore that might disturb long-time fans.  Furthermore, I can tolerate the budget allocation typical of survival horror.  What I dislike, though, is poor casting - with several characters just plain wrong for their role - and Michelle Rodriguez cast solely for her ability to roll her eyes up into her head.

Still, the rest of the series awaits...

Resident Evil
2002, 101 minutes, directed by Paul Anderson

28 Weeks Later

I really wanted to like this.  The first film was a notably different take on zombies, and I thought a sequel could further explore the premise.

Instead the writers decided to use heavy-handed oafs from the U.S. military to do stereotypical, stupid, blundering U.S. military things, while the protagonists are slowly picked off one by one.  What a waste.

28 Weeks Later
2007, 99 minutes, directed by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo

Legion

You know, this wasn't all that bad.  Sure, the religious stuff is over the top, but that's part of the premise.  Yes, the special effects budget was too low - a few big monsters but most just shambling extras - but the action is decent, the story consistent, the acting okay.

If you watch B grade action, check it out.

Legion
2010, 100 minutes, directed by Scott Charles Stewart