Columbiana

With recent life events, my time for cinema is short.  I certainly didn't expect to watch, much less enjoy, this love story, laced in a long arc of violence and revenge.

Columbiana
2011, 108 minutes, directed by Olivier Megatron

The Lego Movie

Everything about this film was pretty awesome.

The Lego Movie
2014, 100 minutes, directed by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller

Oblivion

I avoid Tom Cruise films on principle, but at this point HBO stays until GoT so why not.  Oh, yeah, because I saw this, it was called Moon, and it was better.  Partly because it didn't include Tom Cruise.

Oblivion
2013, 124 minutes, directed by Joseph Kosinski

Star Trek: Into Darkness

I feel like I've seen this before.  Oh yes, I have.  You know, I've had to endure many reboots in the last decade.  The Star Trek one, as mentioned in my previous review, was one of the better ones.  After this film, I may have to retract that.  I'm disappointed both in the parallelisms they choose to keep (come on, radiation from the warp core again?) and the continuity they choose to break (they can get to and from Klingon space in 10 minutes?).  All in all I'm glad I saved this for Netflix.

Star Trek: Into Darkness
2013, 132 minutes, directed by J. J. Abrams

Fantastic Four

2005.  Marvel isn't yet part of the Disney monolith.  Their film rights are scattered among production companies.  Sony, through its Columbia subsidiary, has released Spider Man and its panned sequel.  Fox is in the middle of the first X-Men trilogy.  A film based on Marvel's original heroes, the Fantastic Four, makes perfect sense, and Fox delivers.... something godawful.  The writing is bad, the acting is bad, the plot is horrid and cliché.  Somehow it did well enough to churn out a sequel, but after that the series was canned, and when Fox decided to reboot (set to release in 2015), the negotiations with Disney/Marvel go so badly that Marvel cancels the Fantastic Four comics rather than provide even a little bit of promotion.

One day, the rights will all revert, and Wolverine can be an Avenger, and Spider Man can help Mr. Fantastic.  But not in this generation.  Instead we get dribble like this.

Fantastic Four
2005, 105 minutes, directed by Tim Story

Guardians of the Galaxy

I can picture the day - 1971 - Marvel is flying high with their diverse properties.  But they're all based on Earth.  In the midst of a drug-induced hazed, someone has a bright idea.  Rather than bring a super hero to Earth, why not send a regular guy into space?  And Guardians of the Galaxy is born.*

The film really tries to maintain this campy vibe despite being reset in a modern age, and it delivers.  When you are establishing your base as a talking racoon and a tree, why not throw in a 1970s soundtrack and smooth dance moves?

Guardians of the Galaxy
2014, 122 minutes, directed by James Gunn

* I have no idea if this is how it actually happened.  It seems probable.

Red 2

I could say that the Red series is everything that's wrong with modern spy films.  It's more show than substance, more flair than grit, more punchline than punch.  Wrapped into that are aging actors - Bruce Willis primarily - whose abilities to withstand a punch, or a knife, or a gun, are simply unbelievable.

But then again, this movie gets right so many things that its contemporaries - I'm looking at you, Untouchables - get wrong.  It's not about the cameo, or joking around with old buddies.  It's about being of a certain age, one where your work is your art.  There are other lines, like the Raid series, to satisfy, the brutal realism of combat.  This is about watching Bruce Willis and some good actors have fun with their work, their art.

Red 2
2013, 116 minutes, directed by Dean Parisot

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

I really appreciate what they are trying to do with the Marvel universe.  It's expansive, it's dynamic, and sometimes you need to tear the old establishment down to build a better one.  That's the purpose of this film, not the most obvious "bridge" I've ever seen, but perhaps the bridge connecting the two largest film masses.  S.H.I.E.L.D. has a problem, and that problem is Red Skull infiltration.  It's cancerous, and it's metastasized, and if S.H.I.E.L.D. and humanity want to survive, it's time to cut it out.

It's a little incredulous that they don't just point out that the bad guys were fucking Nazis.  I think Steve and Nick and the rest of the team would get more sympathy for what they had to do if they'd just point that out.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier
2014, 136 minutes, directed by Anthony and Joe Russo

District 9

I'm impressed that a South Africa production was so eloquently able to disguise apartheid critique under a thick gory blanket of sci fi, the way it's meant to be done.  Plus Wikus Van De Merwe is such an awesome action hero, it's hard to not root for him as both a speciesist mid-level manager and a blood-thirsty killing machine.

For more commentary see my original review from 2009.

District 9
2009, 112 minutes, directed by Neill Blomkamp

The Expendables 2

I was going to say something like, "This film would be okay if they'd just stick to the action scenes and stay away from the sappy dialog and contrived cameos."

But then I watched the closing fight, between Sylvester Stallone and Jean-Claude Van Damme.  It may be the worst choreographed man-on-man fight to the death I've ever watched.  Wow.  Even the awful denouement with more Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't match the terribadness of that fight.

The Expendables 2
2012, 103 minutes, directed by Simon West

Rise of the Zombies

I really thought this made-for-tv zombie film was going somewhere.  There were lots of scientists, making real progress learning about the disease, and maybe they'd even explore bringing the zombies back from the dead.  Maybe they were even aiming for some sort of God-motive for retribution and salvation.

But no, they just wanted to kill off all those scientists, and leave the few survivors in limbo as the story ends with limited solutions to the apocalypse.  This wasn't worth staying awake to see the end.

Rise of the Zombies
2012, 89 minutes, directed by Nick Lyon

I missed the start of the film.  Maybe it was awesome.  What I saw was Danny Trejo, on the cover the DVD, die less than a minute after I turned this on.  I guess they couldn't afford him after that.

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

The anachronisms in this film are astounding.  They'd be okay if the plot wasn't trite, the characters shallow, or the dialog horrid.  Hansel and Gretel, having survived the witch house in their youth, grow up to the witch hunters for hire.  They're brought in to a small country town with a growing witch presence, where something terrible is on its way.  Only they have the guns and technologically advanced rapid-shot crossbows to stop it.

I'm struggling to say anything nice about the film.  Watching it via Netflix on my iPad while jogging at the gym was better than watching a basketball game on ESPN.  I guess it has that.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
2013, 88 minutes, directed by Tommy Wirkola

Gatchaman

Like other late-FF-2013 films, I'm posting this almost a year later thanks to some lost notes and bad memory.

Suited superheros ninjas fight end-of-the-world monsters, their emotions, and regret over lost love in this over-the-top Japanese adventure film, based on a 1970s television show.  Also, apparently when half the planet is in ruins, Japanese will still go shopping and to dinner parties.

I wanted a stupid action film, not a love-triangle dialog-driven drama.  Sad.

Gatchaman
2013, 113 minutes, directed by Tôya Satô

Ninja: Shadow of a Tear

An American martial arts master / idiot gives his wallet to muggers, then beats them up anyway, neglecting to get his wallet back, leaving his address with them.  Then he doesn't think they're a big deal, not bothering to call the cops, and doesn't take care when leaving his pregnant wife home alone.  When she's murdered, he starts with the muggers and advances through a increasing sequence of murderous revenge to hunt down those responsible.

Introducing the film, the director noted that "this movie is not original and not unique.  It's a ninja movie."  Indeed, the action scenes are excellent; there are no wires and no CGI, just raw emotion; as the director says, "All logic goes away."  Unfortunately it also reflects on the stupidity of the lead character, something I just can't shake.

Ninja: Shadow of a Tear
2013, 95 minutes, directed by Isaac Florentine

Gravity

I drew the short stick for this one, the third and final secret screening of the fest.  Tucked into a broom closet theater, we were relatively certain this was Gravity up to the moment when Sandra Bullock appeared on screen.  (Alas, despite being a resident Austinite, she was filming in Canada and could only send a video greeting.)  What followed was perhaps the best use of 3D imagery I've seen.  The film felt much shorter than the 90 minutes it was billed, as it drives the whole time non-stop towards the inevitable conclusion, barely slowing for a smattering of character development.

Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) is a science specialist on the latest mission of the space shuttle Explorer, when disaster strikes: a Russian missile test creates Kessler-like high-speed debris, shredding the shuttle and anything else in its path.  Ryan and shuttle commander Matt Kowalski (George Clooney) are the only survivors, tethered together in space, with the only goal to return safely to Earth.

Gravity
2013, 91 minutes, directed by Alfonso Cuarón

The Green Inferno

I wouldn't see a cannibal horror survival film voluntarily.  No, this was of course a classical Fantastic Fest AICN secret screening.  Activist college students travel to South America to stop the destruction of native tribes, not realizing exactly what it is they were protecting.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be; it was clearly made for its R rating, which means that while parts were suitably disgusting, other parts of it were kind of watered down and lame.  Still, I have no interest in ever seeing it or anything else by Eli Roth ever again.

The Green Inferno
2013, 103 minutes, directed by Eli Roth

The tribe where they filmed is in Chile, and are peaceful farmers.  They'd never seen an ice cube before and didn't understand the concept of video; Eli brought in a television and a projector and showed them Cannibal Horror, which they thought was a comedy.  It might seem like exploitation, but while they were filming a particularly gruesome scene, with heads on spikes and body bits on display, a few boats of Texas Christian missionaries sailed up and were shocked with horror.  Having Eli Roth convert the natives first almost makes it worth it.  (As payment for their acting and use of their village to film, they also built metal roofs on all the huts, replacing the leaky thatch roofs the tribe had before.)

Afflicted

Derek and Cliff set out on a year trip around the world, the fulfillment of a long-time dream and a chance for Derek to push aside his life-threatening medical problems.  They have everything set up to document and share their adventures with the internet and the world.  Things quickly go awry when Derek contracts a strange illness, but the filming continues, as he becomes more and more afflicted...

Holy hell, this was the first FF film that has truly come from nowhere and smacked me with awesome.  Shot on a very low budget on Canon 5Ds, with the writers and directors as the principle cast, they showed what an excellent result young talent can achieve with a story and a vision.

Afflicted
2013, 85 minutes, directed by Derek Lee and Cliff Prowse

Escape from Tomorrow

At this point, Escape from Tomorrow is better known for its surreptitious production than its story.  Filmed in secret at Walt Disney World in Florida, the film is billed as a parody of the make-believe story Disney wants its customers to see.

But then, there's the film itself.  Despite being fired that morning, Jim wants to have one good final day at the parks with his family.  Instead, he and his wife bicker and argue, and they take turns with their son and daughter separately, trying to keep either of them happy.  But then there's the two Parisian girls that Jim follows.  I don't think this was supposed to be an existential journey, so I keep trying to piece the parts together to make an arcing plot.  Exactly how are the scientists under the Spaceship Earth related to the aging witch with her mesmerizing necklace?  Was Jim selected as a child for this ultimate fate, and has his son now been selected to share the fate as well?

Escape from Tomorrow
2013, 90 minutes, directed by Randy Moore

Jigoku de naze warui (Why Don't You Play in Hell)

It's hard to explain the type of crazy that only comes from Japanese film.  Laughable plots, guttural rage, inexplicable motivations, nonsensical action, all are woven together to form the core of many a weird import.

In this installment, a yakuza boss's young daughter has her toothpaste commercial torn from the air, after her mother kills several rival gangsters who invaded their home.  Ten years later, mother is about to be released from jail for her crime, and the father wants to reward his wife with a feature film starring their now-rebellious upper teen.  Meanwhile, a young group of friends want to be filmmakers, making a vow to die happily as soon as they've made a great movie.  They happen to film a yakuza  soldier fleeing the boss's home - a solder who became infatuated in a really creepy way with the rival's daughter.

It's all set up for the final, crazy encounter - the filmmakers are "hired" to stage and film a massive fight between yakuza groups, one featuring the boss and his daughter, the other now headed by the man who "loves" her.  It's hard to describe what happens next, but assume it's insane.

Why Don't You Play in Hell
2013,  126 minutes, directed by Shion Sono

Machete Kills

Robert Rodriguez has a vison.  It's called Machete Kills Again... In Space! and it's the pre-announced title for the third film in this gritty Mexican action series.  At the end of the first film, Machete (Danny Trejo, in a role he's made for) has joined the U.S. ICE with partner Sartana (Jessica Alba).  At the start of the third film, Machete is tracking down the evil silver-masked villain on a space station.  To get from A to B, they had to make a film, and Machete Kills is the result.

To say it's a bridge film is an understatement.  It's a plot conveyance.  Masked assassins kill Sartana and steal a U.S. nuclear weapon.  POTUS (Carlos Estevez, yes that one) commissions Machete as the only person able to drop into Mexico and get it back.  But when things go awry, Machete is left with a captive with a deathwish and 48 hours to get back to the United States.

The cameos are one of the strong spots, with a role specially made for Cuba Gooding Jr., Lady Gaga, and Antonio Banderas (yes, all of them).  And I swear one of the guards at Mendez the Mad's compound looked like Bruce Campbell.  But overall, it's a bridge to a contrived story, one that Robert Rodriguez would much rather tell.

Machete Kills
2013, 107 minutes, directed by Robert Rodriguez

"Machete Happens"